impassible-mound

beginning of an end

2008-05-30T15:17:00.003+08:00

it was apt for me to walk through the corridors of kkh dressed in a polo tee with jeans, as i headed towards the paediatric secretary to submit logbooks. having lost my labcoat and other medical paraphenalia, i felt the freedom of not being associated with the hospital, of not having to always remember that my actions counted for something to the sick patient and their families. i was like any other, another visitor to the hospital.

i'm a sucker for such sentimentality as today marks one year of clinical work and the end of my third year in medical school. the hiatus is a short three weeks of unfettered holidays, with nothing academic to worry about, and a carte blanche to fill the timetable with whatever frivolous and fanciful whim.

this is the start of the crazy season, when you see your friends flown off to the poles of the world, and people indulge in activities they otherwise wouldn't without this newfound luxury of time. it is a season of rushing from one place to another, of packing suitcases or of fretting over how best to stretch the period and occupy with something special. the transcience of the holiday intensifies the insanity; we are always chasing fleeting time.

for me it is an all too familiar feeling of being lost with this sudden change in environment, of not having important things to do, and not having to go through the routine which we complain about but quietly are thankful, for it frees us of the responsibility of choosing wisely and miserly what to do with our existence.

the finish of a year as significant as this should be heralded with some aplomb. it has been a year with as much fear as contentment as sadness as frustration and to have come out with that shred of dignity and a modicum of hope is for me enough to take some pride in. yet the anti-climax greets me, resonating with thoughts of what now?.

how does one spend 3 free weeks between a year of madness and stress? with irresponsibility as a reward for the past year, or with quiet contemplation and reflection towards the new one?

my greatest fear is how to spend 3 weeks and not look down despondingly at time not well spent.

lost seconds

2008-05-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

days like these go slowly unnoticed, paled by the grander occasions that appear more significant. days like these which transition from one stage to another, when the sense of foreboding permeates and fills the air so strongly that all there's left to pass the time is to listen to melancholic songs, simply just to plug the gap.

it is the vacuum that weighs down that period after the momentary high, the crazed laughter and the dizzy joy. the feeling of senselessness and loss as the scrambling for something meaningful takes off once again, some new project to occupy the mind and direct its destructive nature away from itself.

merry christmas!

2007-12-26T00:48:00.000+08:00

i'm grateful that this year i got to spend christmas in a more special way than the last, even though work/school seems to be far more sapping this time round. and now looking back i am thankful to my cell group for spending christmas with me. not just once but 3 times over the past few days. i shall remember the huge turkey, the crazy christmas photos and everyone sitting around watching the nativity story. and then, the candlelight service, singing christmas carols, and the whole congregation waving their candles left and right. and finally just being at church together on christmas day.

2 thoughts

2007-12-22T00:16:00.000+08:00

i used to enjoy going overseas to the point of being willing to leave everything back here and live life in that new exciting foreign environment. but nowadays, there is too much to do back home, and too much baggage left behind. i figure it's a mark of growing up and leaving things behind give me some sense of safety and security. and maybe identity; i have built my identity too much around what i have at home.

on another note, i'm beginning to feel the exhaustion of not having had a break from school/work for close to half a year now. it's a taxing thought, always having a scrutinising test peering over at every turn of the year. time breaks down. what are months and weeks when all is measured relative to the next test?

this post will not make sense

2007-12-11T23:12:00.000+08:00

i had quite a lot to eat for dinner today. half my family is not home and my mom did the usual, over-buy on the sides so tonight i had tofu cubes, some tau pok with chicken stuffings and ngor hiang. all this on top of wanton noodles. you can imagine that i'm feeling rather full at this moment, not only with food but also with the sort of guilt that always strikes after and never before a meal.

my dad used to comment that japanese food would usually leave you feeling hungry again in a matter of hours, though i've never quite bothered to question his assertion. hence if i had been eating jap, there would probably be no need for any worry. no need to take any affirmative action to deflate the bloatedness. sadly, it was not a japanese meal that i had, and hence my current grumble of dissent.

not with a bang but with a whimper

2007-12-04T12:50:00.001+08:00

i want the world to stop, and pause. just enough to catch my breath, to separate the cacophony of sounds that have blurred together, to distill the suddenly thick unforgiving air. but the cars still zoom swiftly by, with their busy destinations to reach. the piano continues playing, a beautiful tune lost to calloused ears, racing towards the final diminuendo. the world languishes oblivious to those slowly fading within it, rolling on with as much certainty even as those fading become nothing more than glimpses of a vagrant shadow. it seems almost cruel, to turn the key even as the gears slowly come undone, willing the mechanics forward, tooth against tooth, pushing and tugging, anguish grinding under the strain of locked jaws of metal. yet it pushes just enough to will the unmoveable beast forward, inch by inch, flogging those hind limbs into function and alas into motion.

december

2007-12-01T01:51:00.000+08:00

it seems almost negligent to feel this nonchalence despite the first ca of this academic year taking place in 4 days time. it really has been quite an eternity since the last written medicine test, not counting the clinical examinations which are a different matter altogether. how odd this feeling of idleness. i'm sure it's fueled in part by the knowledge that about now, most other students in singapore would have finished or nealy finished their examinations. also it's nearing christmas and as the lights sparkle down orchard road, so does my mind wander. i want to be overwhelmed by christmas cards shopping for presents for my friends. i want to start planning for christmas get togethers. i want to be excited about my church's candle-light service. i want to prepare for this season symbolic of the gift of love.

i don't want to have to think about tests.

wit

2007-11-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

i watched a movie today called wit starring emma thompson as part of a module about palliative care. it is a powerful movie which illustrates the difficulty of learning to die, and the many facets of our lives, both inherent and external, which impede this painful yet essential lesson. as medical students we are rightfully reminded about the role we play firstly as humans and then as professionals, not that this is confined only to the area of palliative medicine, just that it is even more tender here.

emotions run high in this film and this is as impactful as the failure of the doctors to see the patient as a human, treating vivian, the protagonist, only as an interesting case in their medical career. the doctors' matter of fact attitude in relating to the debilitating symptoms associated with dying and death mock life itself.

but the movie involves the audience and tests the audience's response. this test comes when the movie has just ended, when the lights are switched back on, and when the pupils just about to react to the spotlight that centres around each and every one of us. the movie asks us to pause and consider if we can show concern for another being without dehumanising him into a string of words. yet immediately we tear the characters and the movie apart to study academically how to respond to patients. have we not learnt anything from the movie? that to me is irony.

desire

2007-11-19T00:29:00.000+08:00

desire is like a river that starts atop a hill. it flows steadily, pooling at any convenient spot. it gathers momentum, grows bigger and refuses to ablate itself. it flits from one to another, from here to there, teasing every crevice and whetting every part. it provides an illusion of satisfaction, only to push and insist its way past each weak obstacle. all the while descending, descending, plummeting...

tuition

2007-11-12T01:41:00.001+08:00

(my post earlier on the play i watched yesterday got eaten up!)

saturday morning was what i believe to be my last tuition lesson for this cycle of the academic year. it's been a new experience for me, the running to people's house, the scheduling and all the little frustrations that can come with trying to teach. i only started in august though, so even now i'm still pretty new to this whole thing.

but the time spent has been enriching. it's a good way to make some money, but apart from this, it brings back memories of all that now irrelevant knowledge that i've slowly acquired through the years. and it has somehow reminded me about how things were like then, the friends, the school and the work.

it's odd that now having it over, i feel the lingering sense of nostalgia. in this in between season there is always the uncertainty of whether i will be required again for the next cycle. there have been positive outcomes and some not so positive ones and i do feel that with greater time i could probably do a lot more than trying to teach one year's syllabus in a few lessons and hoping for that person to do well.

finally now, there is a loosening of my schedule, which is a welcome relief. it's been pretty hectic over the past few months.

time

2007-11-06T00:21:00.001+08:00

at dinner yesterday to celebrate my mom's birthday, it oddly struck me as my sister sat quietly opposite me that she was 17, soon to be 18 come april next year. 17 going on 18. i sat desperately trying to quell the urge to point out that amazing fact. i've been yearning to relive those years and just two metres away was someone deep in the thick of it. i wanted to tell her to treasure those years, to remember to have fun, that very soon, those years would slowly but surely pass away.

i realise it's not so much the numerical age that determines what stage of life we are in, rather it is our position in life that dictates how old we are perceived to be. there is little difference being 21 or 24 in university but the gap is somehow larger being 24, a working adult, and 24, the student.

how strange it is then to be 21, and male, when the rest of such friends have only just begun or about to begin university. there is a certain jadedness about school.

my sister will catch up with me in a while. next year she will apply to universities; not too long ago did i also. and soon will i be a working adult. these are the kind of wrinkles that can be added overnight. these are the major steps that show you've grown older. it is not a number.

festive season

2007-11-04T01:22:00.000+08:00

as the lights go up on orchard road, one knows that christmas is quickly coming just around the corner. i've generally loved christmas for all the good that it represents but i think it was either last year or the year before the last when i felt oddly nonchalant about the whole christmas affair.

maybe it's having tests on the first day of school. that's quite a mood killer and i do feel strongly against the need to set tests just after what is an important period of the year. it's going to be the same come 2nd january 2008 for us year 3s once more, but hopefully with better anticipation and one previous experience, it won't affect me in such a way again.

so i'm getting prepared mentally for christmas. last year i didn't carry out many of the things i've come to see as a sort of personal tradition, and so this year i've set my mind to doing them.

toa payoh

2007-10-30T00:07:00.000+08:00

i stood along two rows of shophouses at toa payoh central around 930pm, somewhat mesmerised and absorbed by my surroundings. there was still an air of activity despite the odd sonorous sound of a closing shop. around me were families and couples strolling down the two rows, coming and going, undoubtedly with a purpose, whilst i stood transfixed on the gaudy sign that read nine dollars for a pair of shoes. unnoticed and undisturbed, i am an alien in a foreign land.

but this was not always so. i used to live in jurong east and still have memories of visiting the burger king with my mum back when i was a child. so often that i used to have a collection of the kiddy meal boxes, which i kept with much pride, my personal counter of every visit. back then the boxes were far more inspired, with puzzles and activities to do. i remember the shops i used to stroll past along clementi, where my parents would send me for piano lessons, back when i was 10. they were not unlike those at toa payoh, selling roughly the same thing.

since those times i realise that i have changed much and so have my surroundings. standing along those two rows of lighted up shops served as a reminder that i live in comfortable enough conditions not to ever need to see the heartland shops. i feel reminded not to take my comfort for granted and to acknowledge that even as i yearn for more and succumb to materialistic needs, that i am already greatly blessed.

psychiatry

2007-10-26T12:45:00.000+08:00

the allure of psychiatry is that with each patient who comes before you baring his or her problems, the interviewer glances fleetingly at his own predicament. at this point many possibilities could happen. one might see his problem as a third person, privy to an image from the future, and shocked at what might soon occur. the patient doctor relationship becomes blurred. who is the doctor? who the patient? with each case one identifies one's own problems. with each advice dispensed, one feels like the hypocrite or the experienced. a journey into the patient's mind and psyche is as much an introspective analysis of the analyser's.

blank

2007-10-22T21:49:00.000+08:00

it's a rare night. with flashes of brilliant lightning electrifying the air into one fraught with foreboding. the wind however does not impose, a gentle caress contrapuntal to the bright menace.

the road outside my house stands oddly still. it is an important road, yet even at this early hour one can look down both ways and wonder in solitude. not to be outdone, the streetlamps seem changed too, it's yellow aura more penetrative and glowing, basking the area in glorious iridiscence.

there is a feeling of much activity even in this soundless, starless night. at these moments i feel reminded that we each look out into the world only through our limited binoculars, unable to fully comprehend the panorama of events in vivid motion happening around us.

a week

2007-10-21T00:37:00.000+08:00

it's oddly been a long week. one of being in a foreign country and having to worry about an important clinical test. one of being sick at both ends of the week. it is an example of how quickly circumstances can change. now that i'm back from a holiday and released from the test, all seems calm and peaceful. it's a good feeling definitely, though a fleeting one too.

the temples of angkor

2007-10-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

the attraction of angkor lies not in majesty or beauty. at first glance, it is nothing more than a pile of stones, much ravaged by either the effects of being in a jungle for centuries, pillagers who have destroyed much of the stone structures, or simply the effects of standing still amidst time. many of the temples have lost the touch of grandeur it must once have upheld, with many a roof, balustrade or walkway caved in and left in ruins. in terms of size, neither does it reach the kind of immensity capable of stopping people in their tracks stunning them in awe.

the temples of angkor are far more demanding than that. it expects you to look closer at every pillar to inspect the carvings, read up on the history of the area to understand the depictions, and understand the culture to appreciate the ambivalent nature of the temples. after examining the temples under the microscope, one is then expected to observe the big picture for the temples of angkor do more than photograph the livelihood of one people, it is a running commentary of the activities spanning close to 600 years of an empire's history.

with angkor, it is not easy to fall head over heals. yet, it does not fail in sustaining your interest, its magneticism forcing you to return for more.

one year

2007-10-14T15:08:00.000+08:00

today is laity sunday and as the pastor announced this occasion, i realized that i had experienced this sunday before and therefore, either this week or the last marked one year of being at wesley methodist church.

through this one year, i've certainly made many new friends with whom i've spent many memorable occasions. i remember not being very sure where my next few friends would be made, and almost immediately, there were 15 new faces to spend time with. much time is spent with these friends indeed, a weekday night dedicated to small group and bible study and sunday of course, plus the other random times when we meet up for drinks, dinner or just to hang out.

fellowship has certainly made a big difference in my christian walk. i've seen myself grow more involved in church activities. a few years back, to even be in a small group would have surprised myself. then, my stay in any church rarely achieved any permanence as the lack of any friends or familiar faces made it difficult to stay connected to any one particular church for long periods.

one year going through firsthand and first-time the vibrant atmosphere that is wesley methodist church has been exciting. my small group has been a welcoming bunch where many friendships have been established. i am eagerly looking forward to the next year and the years ahead.

getting serious

2007-10-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

my good attempts to examine patients this morning fell flatly when one after the other, two patients refused. i really hate asking patients for permission. sometimes you get nicely refused, sometimes you're rudely shooed off. and sometimes there are the student's dream patient, who gladly welcomes you with a smile. reminds me of people selling flags. or asking a girl out on a first date. i'm beginning to feel scared walking around the hospital alone, not knowing what the patients are thinking to themselves.

16 weeks have passed swiftly by as the first grand segment of year 3 comes to a close. csfc, a distant memory now, seemed more like a year 2 post-examination reward. those 6 weeks now seem comparatively short. yet it was enough to lay some foundation for a meaningful and hopefully extended friendship.

it would have been difficult imagining the nature of the surgery and medicine postings at the end of csfc. 16 weeks seemed like it would drag on forever. even at the half way point, at the end of the surgical posting, the remaining 8 weeks seemed to be a stretch. yet, the miracle of time is that we inadvertently arrive.

undoubtedly for me, the biggest lesson learnt is the realisation that this new type of life will soon become routine. it's been about learning to adapt and cope with the new expectations and demands. the freedom and sense of responsibility in year 3 has been nothing short of refreshing. to know that i dictate the pace of everyday has been empowering.

i'm eagerly anticipating the next few postings even though my current one is only beginning to wrap itself up. less and less i feel that i'm a student of an institution, bounded by false markers. rather, like confetti in the air, we are bathed in knowledge, each piece one step closer to the ever expanding puzzle. not to pass a lifeless exam, but to comfort a beating heart.

on being emo

2007-10-09T23:13:00.000+08:00

it seems like of late, the attribute of being "emo", or emotional, is largely attached to the idea of being young, or more specifically, the teenage years.

i'm not really very sure why people would think this. perhaps it is down to the notion that those in the teenage years are emotionally less experienced and hence, would react in an over the top manner to something which should be more contained. or perhaps even that those younger ones, at that age, have far more gripes and concerns, this being associated with the other attribute of being angsty often labelled on them. whatever the reason, i fail to comprehend why there should be an age association related with being emotional.

are we deceiving ourselves to think that we get used to the problems and difficulties we face as we grow older? with greater age comes greater responsibility and with that comes greater severity and impact. our problems are often manifestations of significant inherent weaknesses of our character, and as we grow older, these little faultlines only grown deeper and wider to become crevices and canyons.

if then it is not that our problems have gotten boring and mundane, perhaps it is that we no longer can see ourselves dishrevelled before others, stripped of that little flimsy dignity we coccoon ourselves around year by year. the point is not that we deny others a glimpse into our frailty, rather we deny ourselves the opportunity to look deeper into our inherent problems and miss the moment to do something before it all becomes too late.

a double espresso

2007-10-09T02:43:00.000+08:00

at 730 i thought it was quite interesting that the cafe served double espressos unless otherwise informed. failed to realise the impact of drinking it until let's see, 145am!! when i'm really tired but wide awake.

and my room is 24 degrees now. bloody cold. i must be the leading contributor of greenhouse gases.

the gillette advert

2007-10-07T23:21:00.000+08:00

soccernet.com is one of those websites i check routinely daily. it's what i read when i first switch on the computer. yeah, seems weird, but i seem to be checking out photos of hot, athletic, sweaty men...

anyway, recently soccernet has inundated it's viewers with this gillette advertisement, starring roger federer, tiger woods and thierry henry. it's been distracting, to say the least, what with three men flashing smiles more commonly seen on models on catwalks. what is gillette trying to say? at first i thought three sport stars were the next backstreet boys. what with those suits in varying shades of black.

and there's this quote business going on. you'd think that since these were sport stars they shouldn't have quotable quotes but then even if they did, it should be something like, "breathe easily when you take your swing, remembering to keep your elbows close to your bodies...", something related to their supreme expertise. but no, "a true champion never arrives" says tiger woods. what's that supposed to mean? i still don't quite get it and i've been analysing it for hours!

finish the fight

2007-10-05T15:55:00.000+08:00

halo 3 is truly amazing. it's hard to qualify it as a game and perhaps it's even better described as a movie in which you play a leading role. the game is littered with many intermittent cut scenes, rewarding the gamer with new developments to the saga, and not just for the sake of having a video. the scenes heighten the sense of drama, develop not only the characters but the inter-character relationships. and all this amidst an inspiring soundtrack. i don't believe i've ever felt emotionally moved about any major character being killed off in a game before. i do feel saddened that i've completed it, and that this is the end of an astounding trilogy.

sitting in my own sweat

2007-10-04T10:23:00.000+08:00

yet another day sitting at home, my fourth in a row. i'm quickly getting addicted to this much relaxed way of life. i see the world pass me by and i gawk at it, somehow i've decided i don't really care too much anymore that i don't always need to have something to do, or something to achieve or someplace to go.

i feel the need to take a walk suddenly, to rediscover what i've missed out in the months when i've gotten lost in my schedule. i am struck down by the realisation that my weeks pan out in such different ways from just 3 or 4 years ago. what has become of the cavorting, when things always seemed more exciting and refreshing? the taste of discovery has long disappeared.

i look at those younger than me as they struggle with work and relationships with much nostalgia, recalling those moments which i can readily attest to. and i want to give advice. tell them what to do, tell them what not to do, only because i want to return to those days.

it seems like at 21, no one is really very bubbly anymore, or excited, for that matter. everything seems to have been done and experienced. pity...

impassible mound

2007-10-02T08:56:00.000+08:00

i've taken on to scribbling in cyberspace again because i've found it therapeutic and also a good way to run through the many activities of an increasingly burgeoning schedule to sift out the most important and significant event to write about. i tend not to read blogs and so have no idea whether similar 21 year olds have stopped this activity completely and moved on to something more "mature". nonetheless, going by the activity status of certain friends in the superpoke realm and also, having heard that some 40 year old persons have facebook accounts more active than the average teenager certainly helped allay any fears that this new fad of mine is a regression.

so here i am sitting at my table with an open laptop in front of me, not in the hospital and not about to attend school, unsure of what to do with the expense of time before my next commitment begins. everyone seems to be having exams now, from secondary school kids to university students, and the year 3s are no exception. somehow the inertia of starting is almost insurmountable. perhaps this is the drawback of having too much academic independence. there used to be lectures and tutorials to attend daily. now, you spend 8 weeks in one department and nothing to stop you from slacking off until it's too late and the test at the end of the posting crops up.

i would thoroughly like to read a good book, and there is an e m forster sitting not too far away from my desk but i am too lazy to begin. it must have something to do with those black moribund penguin classics covers.