toa payoh

i stood along two rows of shophouses at toa payoh central around 930pm, somewhat mesmerised and absorbed by my surroundings. there was still an air of activity despite the odd sonorous sound of a closing shop. around me were families and couples strolling down the two rows, coming and going, undoubtedly with a purpose, whilst i stood transfixed on the gaudy sign that read nine dollars for a pair of shoes. unnoticed and undisturbed, i am an alien in a foreign land.

but this was not always so. i used to live in jurong east and still have memories of visiting the burger king with my mum back when i was a child. so often that i used to have a collection of the kiddy meal boxes, which i kept with much pride, my personal counter of every visit. back then the boxes were far more inspired, with puzzles and activities to do. i remember the shops i used to stroll past along clementi, where my parents would send me for piano lessons, back when i was 10. they were not unlike those at toa payoh, selling roughly the same thing.

since those times i realise that i have changed much and so have my surroundings. standing along those two rows of lighted up shops served as a reminder that i live in comfortable enough conditions not to ever need to see the heartland shops. i feel reminded not to take my comfort for granted and to acknowledge that even as i yearn for more and succumb to materialistic needs, that i am already greatly blessed.

psychiatry

the allure of psychiatry is that with each patient who comes before you baring his or her problems, the interviewer glances fleetingly at his own predicament. at this point many possibilities could happen. one might see his problem as a third person, privy to an image from the future, and shocked at what might soon occur. the patient doctor relationship becomes blurred. who is the doctor? who the patient? with each case one identifies one's own problems. with each advice dispensed, one feels like the hypocrite or the experienced. a journey into the patient's mind and psyche is as much an introspective analysis of the analyser's.

blank

it's a rare night. with flashes of brilliant lightning electrifying the air into one fraught with foreboding. the wind however does not impose, a gentle caress contrapuntal to the bright menace.

the road outside my house stands oddly still. it is an important road, yet even at this early hour one can look down both ways and wonder in solitude. not to be outdone, the streetlamps seem changed too, it's yellow aura more penetrative and glowing, basking the area in glorious iridiscence.

there is a feeling of much activity even in this soundless, starless night. at these moments i feel reminded that we each look out into the world only through our limited binoculars, unable to fully comprehend the panorama of events in vivid motion happening around us.

a week

it's oddly been a long week. one of being in a foreign country and having to worry about an important clinical test. one of being sick at both ends of the week. it is an example of how quickly circumstances can change. now that i'm back from a holiday and released from the test, all seems calm and peaceful. it's a good feeling definitely, though a fleeting one too.

the temples of angkor

the attraction of angkor lies not in majesty or beauty. at first glance, it is nothing more than a pile of stones, much ravaged by either the effects of being in a jungle for centuries, pillagers who have destroyed much of the stone structures, or simply the effects of standing still amidst time. many of the temples have lost the touch of grandeur it must once have upheld, with many a roof, balustrade or walkway caved in and left in ruins. in terms of size, neither does it reach the kind of immensity capable of stopping people in their tracks stunning them in awe.

the temples of angkor are far more demanding than that. it expects you to look closer at every pillar to inspect the carvings, read up on the history of the area to understand the depictions, and understand the culture to appreciate the ambivalent nature of the temples. after examining the temples under the microscope, one is then expected to observe the big picture for the temples of angkor do more than photograph the livelihood of one people, it is a running commentary of the activities spanning close to 600 years of an empire's history.

with angkor, it is not easy to fall head over heals. yet, it does not fail in sustaining your interest, its magneticism forcing you to return for more.

one year

today is laity sunday and as the pastor announced this occasion, i realized that i had experienced this sunday before and therefore, either this week or the last marked one year of being at wesley methodist church.

through this one year, i've certainly made many new friends with whom i've spent many memorable occasions. i remember not being very sure where my next few friends would be made, and almost immediately, there were 15 new faces to spend time with. much time is spent with these friends indeed, a weekday night dedicated to small group and bible study and sunday of course, plus the other random times when we meet up for drinks, dinner or just to hang out.

fellowship has certainly made a big difference in my christian walk. i've seen myself grow more involved in church activities. a few years back, to even be in a small group would have surprised myself. then, my stay in any church rarely achieved any permanence as the lack of any friends or familiar faces made it difficult to stay connected to any one particular church for long periods.

one year going through firsthand and first-time the vibrant atmosphere that is wesley methodist church has been exciting. my small group has been a welcoming bunch where many friendships have been established. i am eagerly looking forward to the next year and the years ahead.

getting serious

my good attempts to examine patients this morning fell flatly when one after the other, two patients refused. i really hate asking patients for permission. sometimes you get nicely refused, sometimes you're rudely shooed off. and sometimes there are the student's dream patient, who gladly welcomes you with a smile. reminds me of people selling flags. or asking a girl out on a first date. i'm beginning to feel scared walking around the hospital alone, not knowing what the patients are thinking to themselves.

16 weeks have passed swiftly by as the first grand segment of year 3 comes to a close. csfc, a distant memory now, seemed more like a year 2 post-examination reward. those 6 weeks now seem comparatively short. yet it was enough to lay some foundation for a meaningful and hopefully extended friendship.

it would have been difficult imagining the nature of the surgery and medicine postings at the end of csfc. 16 weeks seemed like it would drag on forever. even at the half way point, at the end of the surgical posting, the remaining 8 weeks seemed to be a stretch. yet, the miracle of time is that we inadvertently arrive.

undoubtedly for me, the biggest lesson learnt is the realisation that this new type of life will soon become routine. it's been about learning to adapt and cope with the new expectations and demands. the freedom and sense of responsibility in year 3 has been nothing short of refreshing. to know that i dictate the pace of everyday has been empowering.

i'm eagerly anticipating the next few postings even though my current one is only beginning to wrap itself up. less and less i feel that i'm a student of an institution, bounded by false markers. rather, like confetti in the air, we are bathed in knowledge, each piece one step closer to the ever expanding puzzle. not to pass a lifeless exam, but to comfort a beating heart.

on being emo

it seems like of late, the attribute of being "emo", or emotional, is largely attached to the idea of being young, or more specifically, the teenage years.

i'm not really very sure why people would think this. perhaps it is down to the notion that those in the teenage years are emotionally less experienced and hence, would react in an over the top manner to something which should be more contained. or perhaps even that those younger ones, at that age, have far more gripes and concerns, this being associated with the other attribute of being angsty often labelled on them. whatever the reason, i fail to comprehend why there should be an age association related with being emotional.

are we deceiving ourselves to think that we get used to the problems and difficulties we face as we grow older? with greater age comes greater responsibility and with that comes greater severity and impact. our problems are often manifestations of significant inherent weaknesses of our character, and as we grow older, these little faultlines only grown deeper and wider to become crevices and canyons.

if then it is not that our problems have gotten boring and mundane, perhaps it is that we no longer can see ourselves dishrevelled before others, stripped of that little flimsy dignity we coccoon ourselves around year by year. the point is not that we deny others a glimpse into our frailty, rather we deny ourselves the opportunity to look deeper into our inherent problems and miss the moment to do something before it all becomes too late.

a double espresso

at 730 i thought it was quite interesting that the cafe served double espressos unless otherwise informed. failed to realise the impact of drinking it until let's see, 145am!! when i'm really tired but wide awake.

and my room is 24 degrees now. bloody cold. i must be the leading contributor of greenhouse gases.

the gillette advert

soccernet.com is one of those websites i check routinely daily. it's what i read when i first switch on the computer. yeah, seems weird, but i seem to be checking out photos of hot, athletic, sweaty men...

anyway, recently soccernet has inundated it's viewers with this gillette advertisement, starring roger federer, tiger woods and thierry henry. it's been distracting, to say the least, what with three men flashing smiles more commonly seen on models on catwalks. what is gillette trying to say? at first i thought three sport stars were the next backstreet boys. what with those suits in varying shades of black.

and there's this quote business going on. you'd think that since these were sport stars they shouldn't have quotable quotes but then even if they did, it should be something like, "breathe easily when you take your swing, remembering to keep your elbows close to your bodies...", something related to their supreme expertise. but no, "a true champion never arrives" says tiger woods. what's that supposed to mean? i still don't quite get it and i've been analysing it for hours!

finish the fight

halo 3 is truly amazing. it's hard to qualify it as a game and perhaps it's even better described as a movie in which you play a leading role. the game is littered with many intermittent cut scenes, rewarding the gamer with new developments to the saga, and not just for the sake of having a video. the scenes heighten the sense of drama, develop not only the characters but the inter-character relationships. and all this amidst an inspiring soundtrack. i don't believe i've ever felt emotionally moved about any major character being killed off in a game before. i do feel saddened that i've completed it, and that this is the end of an astounding trilogy.

sitting in my own sweat

yet another day sitting at home, my fourth in a row. i'm quickly getting addicted to this much relaxed way of life. i see the world pass me by and i gawk at it, somehow i've decided i don't really care too much anymore that i don't always need to have something to do, or something to achieve or someplace to go.

i feel the need to take a walk suddenly, to rediscover what i've missed out in the months when i've gotten lost in my schedule. i am struck down by the realisation that my weeks pan out in such different ways from just 3 or 4 years ago. what has become of the cavorting, when things always seemed more exciting and refreshing? the taste of discovery has long disappeared.

i look at those younger than me as they struggle with work and relationships with much nostalgia, recalling those moments which i can readily attest to. and i want to give advice. tell them what to do, tell them what not to do, only because i want to return to those days.

it seems like at 21, no one is really very bubbly anymore, or excited, for that matter. everything seems to have been done and experienced. pity...

impassible mound

i've taken on to scribbling in cyberspace again because i've found it therapeutic and also a good way to run through the many activities of an increasingly burgeoning schedule to sift out the most important and significant event to write about. i tend not to read blogs and so have no idea whether similar 21 year olds have stopped this activity completely and moved on to something more "mature". nonetheless, going by the activity status of certain friends in the superpoke realm and also, having heard that some 40 year old persons have facebook accounts more active than the average teenager certainly helped allay any fears that this new fad of mine is a regression.

so here i am sitting at my table with an open laptop in front of me, not in the hospital and not about to attend school, unsure of what to do with the expense of time before my next commitment begins. everyone seems to be having exams now, from secondary school kids to university students, and the year 3s are no exception. somehow the inertia of starting is almost insurmountable. perhaps this is the drawback of having too much academic independence. there used to be lectures and tutorials to attend daily. now, you spend 8 weeks in one department and nothing to stop you from slacking off until it's too late and the test at the end of the posting crops up.

i would thoroughly like to read a good book, and there is an e m forster sitting not too far away from my desk but i am too lazy to begin. it must have something to do with those black moribund penguin classics covers.